2010-Theres so much more room for activities!

So first off I want to wish everybody a Happy New year. Like millions of people are doing to everyone else on there facebooks and myspace right now. Currently I am watching South Park till midnight. God I want to use Chipotlaway for my bloodstains.
On a sad note I ran into one of my fellow co-workers tonight at Walmart. I know its New Years eve but I have a Walmart addiction. Wheres Dr Drew. I need some extra special rehab. Ya know like everytime you watch those stupid F-List celebrities in rehab and there still drinking and doing drugs. And than they have some wierd crazy sex with other uglier looking people. Besides the nasty sex. What about there kids names. Zimbabwe Muckalock, or Winnomane Chimpokiemon. I think that has to be in a contract they sign before they become famous. The one that says they have 1 get out of jail free card, and 45 go to rehab passes. Im waiting for Brad and Angelina to hit baby rehab. "Dr Drew my 14 kids wont stop trying to breast feed, what do I do?" Sorry I went off on a tangent, but ok so I ran into my fellow co-workers and they told me that instead of having there half day off they didnt leave till 5. So thanks to the amazingly awesome leadership that was working this week, who so really care about airman and there wellbeing, this is how I think it went down today. Some names have been changed to protect the ignorant.
Setting:Office
--"MSgt Bikerson its 12 and we dont really have any work left, I know its a half day but there has to be something we can make these airman do!" "TSgt Grumpy that is a splendid idea! Make them clean the entire shop until it sparkles, I dont care how long it takes because I hate being with my family; I HEART WORK!" "OH I totally forgot if anyone asks it was your idea...except if anyone important comes than it was totally my idea, as long as it looks good." Many heart smiles and laughs commence--multiple winks
Setting:Breakroom
-everyones packed up and ready to go home, civilians and contractors are already gone
enters TSgt Grumpy and MSgt Bickerson. TSgt Grumpy "Great news everybody"-everyones overjoyed thinking there going home, when "we need the entire shop spotless before we can go home, that means floors waxed and mopped everything dusted and swept and wiped down. We will be in the office on the computer and relishing in our awesomeness!" As they leave everyones morale crumbles, they slumpt to the floor in pain and the anger wells up!
Setting:Office
MSgt Bickerson "This is the greatest holiday season ever! Just make sure you go yell at everyone once and awhile and if you need to pull your stripes cause it works for me. This is what will make you get step promoted." --As the door closes the laughs from the inside muffle the sound of the airman as they bring in the gas siphoned from the trucks and a box of matches--End Scene
Ok so maybe I embelished a few things and made some stuff up. Mainly the end. But thats what Im sure everyone was thining. Like the new AF slogan --Nobody comes close...er to killing your morale! It could be a whole minseries of despair lol. Well I wish everyone the best and hopefully you try and have a great laugh tonight. Just rember that if you are going to have sex with a total stranger, where some protection, im sure yall can find a paper bag somewhere! Happy New Year!!

--I wish I could come out and play with you tonight, but I'm a little busy... with your girl on my lap.--Kid from House Party

Wintery Mix of Rage and Anger

Sooo I have to change it up today with alittle ranting. I cant help it! There was so much stupidity I just want to start handing out helmets. Almost like a helmet award. Ding fries are done!

So as most of you know we had a wonderful white Christmas. First time it snowed here for the season and there was alot. So me and my wife decided to go bowling sat night. The only real good place to go thats close, is base. The main roads are in pretty good conditions so we brave it because well who doesnt love to handle balls. So we roll through the gate and it says caution hazardous roads. Coming from Dover the minute any snow was present, they had the salt and plows ready to roll. Well they had maybe plowed the base once if that. Everything was caked in snow and ice. So were driving down the main road (Just about every base has one main road, unless your at a super huge base)and I'm starting to get alittle annoyed because nothing, and I mean nothing, is plowed. But than to my surprise we pass the wing building where everyone on base is centered(aka wing king). Guess where the plows were? Yea they were plowing a building that was totally vacant. And that was going to be vacant. I was pissed. And no I wasnt pissed because the bowling alley wasnt plowed I was mad because what about the shoppette, community center, movie theater, and all the other things that familys can do,if it was plowed. Mind you the family's that live on base, if they wanted to go and see a movie they would have to drag there kids through all this. All so a vacant building can be plowed. Is this actually part of the snow plan or was this for a medal worthy endeavour. Heres the kicker to, I had to go to the education center Monday. They were plowing the last little bit off the main road. But the back roads to the education center there were people stuck in the snow and everything was iced. Soo yea.
Heres my other complaint. The finance office. Now heres the thing. I respect them they have a pretty important job. Typing can get pretty tricky, all those words and numbers. Especially reading, one of the hardest things of all in life. Well for starters there "Working hours" are 9-3 all holidays,down days, and weekends off. Now I know they prob have meetings in the morning and maybe afternoon and they probably work more than that. Im not that naive. By now your probably going "This isnt so bad!" Whats there to complain about? Well think about this, what about all the midshift workers...now they have to stay up till 9 just to get anything finance related taken care of. So that cuts into there time. And what about wait time? Well on one base there has to be alot of finance personell to service everybody, and there is a fair amount of civilians to. So as a example I went there just today. Now there was atleast 2 civilians and 8 GI's. Well I was lucky that I was one of the first people in this morning. There was 6 other people waiting with me. Well take a guess of how many people were waiting on us customers. Yea you guessed 1 person. But in everybody else's defense it was the first day back to work. And they had to tell jokes, and dance, and surf craigslist. I'm not making this up either. Ill even share alittle of there magicians code with you on how they disappear. Theres 2 computers on the counter. Instead of using those to help you, they will go back to there cubical with your Id and say they have to get on to there system to check. Well heres the kicker. For most of them checking there system is finishing up a email of reading there email. Or chatting with there friends. Until they either finish what there original purpose was, or notice that you can see them and than realize they should probably come back to the customer.
So Im sorry for the rant. I had to share this with yall. It just irritates me to no end. Because we invest all this money and resources into something that is so horribly flawed. My last base had to deal with far more people and they had it down to a science. I blame alot of this on complacency, there leadership, and the fact of just not really caring. Sorry about not getting into the good parts of my life today. But this has been building up and I had to share it. Im sure alot of you will read this and transfer jobs to finance. I dont blame you. There might be a hint of jealousy, but more so its that if I just felt to slack off and not care there could be millions of dollars of damage, not a bunch of people pissed off that you screwed up there pay. Which as this blogger has heard happens often.

I want a liter cola...

Good morning yall. Well had a great time last night, watched Inglorius Basterds with the family. Its funny to see my mother-in-laws face when they shoot people and scalp them. I few people really want me to put my Whiteman adventures on here as well. So after care full consideration, and some rum, I decided once a week I will start posting the Whiteman adventures. Granted its alittle more modern time and in some ways a B2 is much cooler than a C5 or C17 (At least I never have to work outside again)-Sorry all of my C5 brethren. After years of working outside in the cold and heat, working inside makes me feel like a God. Now that I work in a office I just feel like an evil genius. (It would be even better if I could 2 monitors than me and pinky could take over the world) Well enough of me lets get on with the show!!

So here I am feeling pretty good about being at Dover. Yeaaaaa. Ep ushers me out of his office in the back. With B not far in tow. He briefly stopped on our journey to yell out to random people, things like "Hey dont give me that look your moms the only one thats allowed to give me that look." In time I would come to realize that his mouth had gotten him in alot of trouble, and Im sure it still does to this day. Finally we get back to the front office where the two woman are still sitting there. B introduces them as Nikki and Vee.(By now you should have known that the names have been changed. The reason is cause things get alittle crazy in the story, ya know protect the innocent. Especially when they end up in some guys pants with another guy behind them. That old chestnut.)Apparently they had been friends since they had gotten to Dover. Sometimes even very close friends when they were drinking. They really didnt pay any mind, B had noticed and started laughing and led me out the front door and back to that POS Nissan. We took the 3 minute drive to what would be my new home for a long time. He leads me into the Dorm managers office, which is a field stripped dorm room with a computer and desk. She had her purse on and was ready to leave herself. "Here, sign this." She had pushed the dorm acceptance paper in front of me with my key. All I can remember thinking was "Damn I wonder where my craptastic refrigerator box for a room is." "All right youre good, have fun!" And she ushered B and i out the door. Now we began the hunt for room 108. Of course it has to be all the way across the building. Becuase at this point I really felt like walking my happy ass anymore, and in my blues no less. We get to this door with the numbers 108 just barely hanging on to it, covered in cobwebs and spiders. What was I going into a crappy Pirate movie. "Here we go" As I open the door the stale pungent aroma of mildew flooded my nose. There was my one bed, dresser, desk, mini fridge and shared bathroom. This wasnt going to be fun!
B helped me to carry all of my bags into this gerber carpeted shit hole of a room. He had to get back to his wife, 4 kids, and 4 cats. Than it happened! "Hey P, omg its you!" You know whenever youve met someone youve really hated and despised, someone that was the biggest retarded idiot ever in the history of mentally challenged circus midgets. This was it. I dead stopped and prayed to any God that maybe there was another Perretti out there. No, there wasnt just me. The world spiraled into a dark abyss. "Hey Farva" (This was his true nickname given to him) "OMG man its been awhile hey come on let me introduce you to some of the guys in the dorm" Being the nice guy that I can be,sometimes ,I followed along to the third story. At that point I was in ignore mode, he was going on about tech school and how much fun he had. It seemed like hours but we finally made it. "Hey Anna" Farva called out to this woman sitting on a chair outside of her room. The look on her face couldnt have said it any better either. Remember the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark, at the end the look when there faces melted off. That would be the best way to descirbe this. However Anna's look when she saw me was one of intrigue. By this time I had changed from my buisness like atire to jeans and a Tshirt, as to atleast try to kill the appearance of the new guy. "Im gonna take it that you are the new guy?" I couldnt say no,after our initial meeting I was to learn that she enjoyed the guys in the dorm. Alittle to much so that her roomate had to switch rooms so she wouldnt be woken up at night from the screams. Or fake orgasms, one look tho I would have to say fake orgasms. Either that or it slipped into the wrong hole one to many times. Either way she struck up a conversation with me immeadiatly ignoring Farva. I couldnt blame her tho I wanted to ignore Farva to. He ended up talking to himself for a few minutes than struck a conversation with this guy that was drinking with Anna. Anna and I went on about little things, where I was from things I was into, the usual BS. It was starting to get late by this time, and in all honesty I didnt want a one night hook up from a chick that had more crabs than a carribean beach. So I bid my farewell,and planned my escape from Farva. She was nice enough to do me the favor of luring him into her room with the promises of beer and porn.(I leanrned later that niether of which he got..haha) With that I made a swift run for it down the hall and out the otherside of the building. It was my first night in an unholy land and I needed to have it my way that night. BK to the rescue!

--Don’t call me Junior--Last Crusade

Neverending Story 2

Well I decided to keep going with my story this afternoon. So where did we leave off.


CLICK! So there I was. Sitting alone in the visitors center with Maury. After about 20 minuts and trying to figure out who the babys daddy was, a car pulled up. I kind of figured it was for me because it was a late Friday afternoon and its the AF so everyone was pretty much gone. In walks (well call him B). He walked right up to me and said "grab your shit." I may have been new but there was no way in hell someone who I had never met was going to say that to me. "Who the fuck are you talking to?" Was my response. The look on his face went from scowl to a smile. He than introduced himself as B. As he helped me grab my stuff ,and put it into is 1989 Nissan Hatchback, I began to realize that I wasnt in Kansas anymore. The sound of roaring turbines and the smell of Jet blast filled the air. He went on to tell me about the shop and the clicks and what it was like on base. We pulled up to the parking lot infront of the sheetmetal shop. There was hardly any cars there and the people that were there were walking out. (later I would learn that everybody schedules appointments on a Friday-legit or not)I walked in to what would be come to be known as one of the many layers of hell. Being the new guy the people that were there stopped and stared as B walked me into the office to introduce myself. The first person I noticed was the girl from the phone. She was eyeing me up and down along with the other girl that was sitting at the desk. Before I could even say hi, there was a loud bellow from all the way on the other side of the shop. "I FOUND MY NEW GUY" I glanced out from behind the door and all I could make out was a short man that could have been the set stand in for the staypuff marshmallow man. He scurried into the office as fast as he could (I was hoping he wouldnt die from the walk)and shook my hand. He introduced himself as EP. He ushered me out of the office and back tword the tool crib, where his office was. He looked at the clock and was astounded (as I can only imagine was the fact that he was still here) he grabbed the phone and called over tword the dorms to see if there was a room available. There was one that was ready to go and thank god it was on the 1st floor right next to the laundry room (These dorms are 3 storys high and can hold about 200 people)So he told B to take me to the dorms and get my room key. Ep turned to me and said "Look dont bother to come in till Monday morning at 730 and for the sake of all that is holy please dont come in that POS blue thing, BDU's are ok." From that point on with EP I knew it wasnt going to be all bad.

So that concludes this chapter of life. Im heading out for the evening to enjoy alittle but of R+R with my lovely wife. And as usual shes out the door before me. It cant possibly be because i farted again, can it?


-- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue-- Airplane

In the begining.........

Well as promised here today we shall begin our story. I hope you are well rested and posibly not hung over. But if you are thats ok theres always the Plan V. Vomit your brains out all over the floor.
Well our story begins in Dover AFB, Delaware. Now you may be asking yourself where the hell is that at? I know I did the first time I heard it. But its the little state on the east coast sandwhiched between MD and NJ. Its referred to as the first state, mainly because it was the first state of the union. However this blogger believes it could be the first state of stupidity. If you dont bielve me just visit there sometime. Your first 10 minutes of driving will be all it takes to turn you into a bielever.
As one would have it I was on leave in Fl between Tech school and my first base. I was lucky enough to fly into PHL. Because now that I know what flying into BWI is like, and I try to avoid it at all costs. This was my first true AF experience,I thought to myself, boy did I not have any idea what I was in for.
I had no idea what to do at all. All I knew was that I had to get to Dover AFB. Well usually when you are in tech school you get someone from your new base thats called a sponsor. Notice that he isnt mentioned yet. Thats because all I had was his name. Hes the guy thats supposed to go and pick you up and help you get settled into your new base. So this was one of the firsts in a long line of fuck ups. So the only thing I could think of was to call a taxi. Now if you went to google maps and mapped out the miles and multiply by how much a taxi costs you would get roughly $500.
By this time I am exhausted and went to sleep. I end up waking up to the driver yelling at me in Russian to get up we were here. I think maybe he was wanted for something and that being at a military base was gonna get him arrested. So he drops me off at the visitors center...well alittle further away than that. I'll just say it was a nice walk. So here I am in my Blues,aka buisness suit, with a duffle bag, garment bag, and a backpack at the visitors center with no idea of what Im supposed to do. So I set everything down with a big thud which gets everybodys attention. The receptionist stands up leans over the counter and says "Can I help you?" With the voice of a man. Not just any man like a lumberjack, and with the moles to prove it. So I give the lady my sponsors name and says he works at the Aircraft structural maintenace section. (For his sake I will call my spnosor EP)She hands my a little slip of wadded up paper with a extension and points to a phone hanging on the wall. Apparently being the only person in the entire visors center wasnt a good reason to disturb her from watching Maury. Mind you shes getting paid upwards of $15 an hour to assist people,in making there experience as horrible as possible. Thanks for your stay at Dover AFB, dont come back now ya here. This was the only thing I could think of as I walked away from her desk.
So I make the call, and this woman who sounds like a 5 year old answers the phone. I explain to her who I am and that Im looking for EP becasue im the new guy at the visitors center. Theres a long silence on the other end and a bunch of people laughing about how EP has a new troop. I hadnt known yet that EP was one of the laziet guys in the shop, and also quite possiby the biggest. Finally after what seemed like forever a mans voice came over the phone and said "Stay there someone will get you,CLICK!"

Well ladies and gentlemen, I will end this here. Because a little suspense never hurt anybody. Besides you dont want me to tell you everything in one shot. That would ruin all the fun. Like how we'll get into the girl on the phone and how she ended up in Playboy. Or the giant "parties"... See so theres alot more than just what you are thinking its going to be. And I had a request to put not only the quote but where its from. So yesterdays was from Boondock Saints2.


--Lois: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.--You choose wisely if you said Ace Ventura

First Blog of many!

Hello all!

Well for starters I'm making like a baby and heading out of the AF. I have spent over 6 years of my life in there. I have decided to write this blog to share with you my thoughts and insights and stories from those years till now. I have what is looking like about a month to go. I am one of the many PT failures the AF uses to control its numbers. We will get into more of this in a later blog. This is just alittle introduction into the juicy nuggets of life. I plan on writing everyday. So you get to look forward to a new mouth-watering jalapeno nugget injection. Because,hey sometimes you just have to get away from the mild side of life. Change never hurts but sometimes it can pinch, kind of like your wild aunt Esther from your dads side of the family,ya know, that one that still thinks you are 3. Ohhh and before I forget my goal is also to provide y'all with a quote everyday. Kind of like a word of the day but with less reflective vest and helmet retardation. Enjoy!!


--Im so fucking smart I make smart people look fucking retarded!--